Posts tagged ‘sex’

Lift me up.

In the States they are elevators in the UK Lifts (why they haven’t a different name going the other way I don’t know, maybe people on the 13th floor do not want to take the “drop” down?) In my job we call them the sexo-pissarama-rooms.

Yes for some reason people do odd things in lifts. The most obvious is the use as a cubicle for the disposal of all that lovely blue bottle booze. You see, the reason that lifts stink like piss is because people piss in them. They also make a great place to take a crap though gladly the sight of someone curling out a donkey choker is rather more rare.

Another thing about lifts is the aphrodisiac qualities, people enter this small steel room and suddenly are all over each other. We know spring has sprung even in the bunker when a vertical ascent turns into the Smalltown equivalent of Spanish fly. Maybe they would be less…indescrete if they knew about the camera?

Well…no. People that spot the camera are always convinced that nobody has seen them. They wave and giggle, flash parts that are better left unflashed and indulge in all sorts of silliness.

One girl was being silly BEFORE she spotted the camera. I mean how many of us get into the lift and decide its the perfect place for a dance? Spot the camera and use the cunning method of continuing to dance but with an air of utter embarrassment. Then look panicked when the door is slow to open.

Then we have the strange urge that people have to put things in their mouths with we astounded watched two gentlemen perform with just the aid of their own bodies.

Its not just lifts though, the stairwells are also fantastic places to have sex, take drugs, wee and poo. Even, in the case of Drunken Oldman, a great place to kip (along with disabled loos)

Finally for those that were expecting the Geri Halliwell song, here you go. For those that were not, good luck getting it out of your head today!

June 18, 2009 at 11:22 4 comments

27 things people do when they are drunk that they would never do sober.

One of the most interesting aspects of my job is watching the people of Smalltown lose all perspective on common sense and decorum. It would be rude not to observe them.

  1. Have wild unprotected sex in the street outside the nightclub in full view of cameras and passers by.
  2. Streak across a park.
  3. Urinate in public.
  4. Urinate in public while walking down the street and eating a pizza.
  5. Pick up your kebab from the floor and continue to eat it (see points 3 and 4 for why this is a bad idea!)
  6. Speak to tramps
  7. Kiss tramps (seriously)
  8. Kiss tramps dogs (I’m not kidding here)
  9. Hit people
  10. Hit people with bottles
  11. Provoke the big angry looking guy until he hits you.
  12. Be convinced that arguing with doorstaff and calling them names will suddenly change their decision about you being a twat who should not be let in.
  13. Be convinced that joining the back of the queue for the club after being bounced once will work as doorstaff have 2 second memories
  14. Be convinced that after being bounced twice doorstaff will not recognise you in your mates ill fitting t-shirt even when you swapped in their full view.
  15. Be convinced that after having drawn so much attention to yourself the club in the next street will let you in instead.
  16. Hail a taxi and then talk to friend while the driver tries to get you inside.
  17. Walk in the road (seriously, drunk people ALWAYS walk in the road)
  18. Deny doing anything even when 200 bystanders have seen you do it and it is recorded on CCTV.
  19. Walk home in a bad part of town wearing what amounts to a lace negligee and panties.
  20. Lay in the road.
  21. Argue with Police Officers.
  22. Argue with Paramedics.
  23. Argue with each other.
  24. Argue with someone, walk away, come back, argue more, walk away, come back until the CCTV op prays to the almighty for a freak lightening strike.
  25. Show your penis to the camera
  26. Masturbate (men generally) in the street.
  27. Moon.

Sadly the one thing that never seems to happen is large breasted women flashing the camera although my wife has been known to do so when I’m all alone! Come on that’s just not fair girls.


June 11, 2009 at 12:30 4 comments

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