Posts tagged ‘nude’

Lift me up.

In the States they are elevators in the UK Lifts (why they haven’t a different name going the other way I don’t know, maybe people on the 13th floor do not want to take the “drop” down?) In my job we call them the sexo-pissarama-rooms.

Yes for some reason people do odd things in lifts. The most obvious is the use as a cubicle for the disposal of all that lovely blue bottle booze. You see, the reason that lifts stink like piss is because people piss in them. They also make a great place to take a crap though gladly the sight of someone curling out a donkey choker is rather more rare.

Another thing about lifts is the aphrodisiac qualities, people enter this small steel room and suddenly are all over each other. We know spring has sprung even in the bunker when a vertical ascent turns into the Smalltown equivalent of Spanish fly. Maybe they would be less…indescrete if they knew about the camera?

Well…no. People that spot the camera are always convinced that nobody has seen them. They wave and giggle, flash parts that are better left unflashed and indulge in all sorts of silliness.

One girl was being silly BEFORE she spotted the camera. I mean how many of us get into the lift and decide its the perfect place for a dance? Spot the camera and use the cunning method of continuing to dance but with an air of utter embarrassment. Then look panicked when the door is slow to open.

Then we have the strange urge that people have to put things in their mouths with we astounded watched two gentlemen perform with just the aid of their own bodies.

Its not just lifts though, the stairwells are also fantastic places to have sex, take drugs, wee and poo. Even, in the case of Drunken Oldman, a great place to kip (along with disabled loos)

Finally for those that were expecting the Geri Halliwell song, here you go. For those that were not, good luck getting it out of your head today!

June 18, 2009 at 11:22 4 comments

Naked Black Woman

“Urrm control” comes the call from Clothes-R-Us

“Go ahead”

“We have got an IC3 female in store, she seems quite angry and is shouting at people… And… Well… She’s a bit naked”

Now this is always rather unexpected especially at just before 5pm on a Thursday. People in Smalltown may be odd, but not so much so as to go clothes shopping in the altogether. Of course the clue is in the shouting bit. Also exactly how naked is “a bit”

Oddly enough several security guards are chomping at the bit to go and “assist” Clothes-R-Us with their textile deficient problem. They soon regret it as I soon get the distinct impression that she is no oil painting and this is confirmed when she does hove into view and strangely “a bit” means “stark bollock”. Still mad naked women are mad naked women and beggars can’t be choosers and like drinking Dr Pepper she certainly was far from “The worst that could happen”

Soon enough she goes back inside saving the people of Smalltown from more nudity based embarrassment/entertainment. She re-emerges fully dressed (in her own clothes i assume) and heads off.

Now technically being naked is not really a crime. It doesn’t count as indecent exposure unless you flash the gash (sorry that was crude) so she didn’t break the law per se. She did, however cause concern to the public and a disturbance of the peace. I think the easiest solution was the one that was taken and sadly the poor lady was detained under the Mental Health Act.

What I want to know is when the busty blonde sane women is going to re-enact the whole thing. My life needs more nudity!

I would be interested in the views of any law types that read this as this is my layman’s understanding of the situation. If there is a law against boobies please comment!


June 6, 2009 at 18:05 2 comments

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