Posts tagged ‘drunk’

Head stamping

The group are bought to our attention by a local pub. It’s a very rowdy group of males probably on a stag evening (its early yet) and the licensee has had enough. He has successfully ejected them but keeping it that way…

He asks us for help. We swing the camera to his do and sure enough there are 6 burly young men fighting to get back in. The door takes a real hammering but as one of our more historical watering holes i have a solid wooden door rather then a silly glass one and the only thing even dented is their pride. We call Police HQ for assistance and patch through our images. Then we realise its “wannabee CCTV” on their radio. This is the time when our ability to pass images becomes a real liability. You see, its early, these guys are already pickled to the gills before most people have left home. They WILL be a problem later.

She listens intently as we pass details then says the fateful words. Can you keep a watch on them, I have nobody available. Contrary to this an officer pipes up “I can take a look if you want?”, no its OK we have them on CCTV it all looks OK.

Well fair enough by this time they HAVE moved on but I wouldn’t have said it was OK as they guys are very rowdy. We still have shoppers on the street and this really isn’t enamouring them to Smalltown. Instead they send a PCSO with the explicit instructions “not to engage” as this wholly pointless move will of course solve everything. (rather then just removing a PCSO from elsewhere).

Then they fall on one of their own, removing his trousers and pants, running off an leaving him fully debagged in front of the young and old of Smalltown. This indignity finally gets our recalcitrant dispatcher to do something, so she sends PC Ineffective.

They are just heading off up the main run of roads in the night economy when PC Ineffective arrives. He has a word (from the comfort of his car) and drives off. His write off is “They are going home now, can I book State 4? (lunch)”

We continue to watch the group who of course do go home.Via the local Wetherspoons. By this point hair is physically being torn from heads as we call up to the Control Room again. Oddly there is no-one available.

About 30 minutes later I am informed by another venue nearby that there are two groups who seem to be having “a disagreement”. I swing the nearest eye around and lo and behold is 4 of our 6 lads facing off against 3 lads and 2 girls. The argument is obviously heated. It turns to fisticuffs and one of our newcomers lands a lucky punch on a very drunken lads chin knocking him to the floor right by the safety railings. The attacker is quickly pulled away and the melee is considerable.

One scene haunts me even today. One of the “ladies” steps forward and grabs the top rail, jumping fully into the air and landing surely, with both booted feet, entirely on our prone males head. He had just began to lift it from the floor and he is knocked back down.  

Our offenders make off and in amazement at what I have just seen I jump back onto airwave, unusually for me, demanding that officers attend on an A-grade. Thankfully she acquiesces.

Officers are dispatched to the victims, thank God its not PC Ineffective. We instead get PC Confused. he quickly tracks down the victim and details of the vicious assault are passed. He looks at the guy and decides not much has happed. He must have an iron skull!

We continue to monitor the offenders on another camera. They are in no hurry to leave the scene and are literally a street or so away. The woman of course shows her shame and guilt by laughingly re-enacting her double foot plant for a couple of passers by, obviously friends. Thankfully we direct more units to these and insist that CCTV evidence is such that they must be detained. They are.

I then, as always, start to doubt what I have seen, Maybe it wasn’t as bad as i thought? Thankfully Sergeant Placid decides to pop down to the Bunker to see exactly what has happened so he can decide what is to be done. I play the footage.

His response?


He also posits his surprise that the victim wasn’t more seriously hurt.

She initially intends to plead not guilty but changes her mind. I believe she was given a suspended sentence. Sometimes i still think of it and shiver. I wonder if she even remembers?

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June 23, 2009 at 21:46 1 comment

My Eyes. My Eyyyyyyes

Sometimes people get drunk. Often they are men and rather large.

They get arrested for being Drunk and Incapable but are so big that backup is needed to lift them unwillingly into the van.

Then you find that its a real struggle to get them even near the van. Perfect solution. Bigger van.

The bigger van arrived. 6 Officers now manhandle the drunken fool into the back. As they lift 4 at the arms/shoulders 2 at the feet, bum hanging down. His trousers head south.

My camera has a perfect view of his bulbous buttocks, rather brown crack, winking ring and two rather saggy teabag like testicles. He is quickly covered up but not before I try to tear my still living eyes from their sockets and drown them in the strongest bleach I can find.

Somebody pass the Ajax!

Sometimes I wonder if this shit pays enough…

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June 21, 2009 at 02:46 2 comments

Lift me up.

In the States they are elevators in the UK Lifts (why they haven’t a different name going the other way I don’t know, maybe people on the 13th floor do not want to take the “drop” down?) In my job we call them the sexo-pissarama-rooms.

Yes for some reason people do odd things in lifts. The most obvious is the use as a cubicle for the disposal of all that lovely blue bottle booze. You see, the reason that lifts stink like piss is because people piss in them. They also make a great place to take a crap though gladly the sight of someone curling out a donkey choker is rather more rare.

Another thing about lifts is the aphrodisiac qualities, people enter this small steel room and suddenly are all over each other. We know spring has sprung even in the bunker when a vertical ascent turns into the Smalltown equivalent of Spanish fly. Maybe they would be less…indescrete if they knew about the camera?

Well…no. People that spot the camera are always convinced that nobody has seen them. They wave and giggle, flash parts that are better left unflashed and indulge in all sorts of silliness.

One girl was being silly BEFORE she spotted the camera. I mean how many of us get into the lift and decide its the perfect place for a dance? Spot the camera and use the cunning method of continuing to dance but with an air of utter embarrassment. Then look panicked when the door is slow to open.

Then we have the strange urge that people have to put things in their mouths with we astounded watched two gentlemen perform with just the aid of their own bodies.

Its not just lifts though, the stairwells are also fantastic places to have sex, take drugs, wee and poo. Even, in the case of Drunken Oldman, a great place to kip (along with disabled loos)

Finally for those that were expecting the Geri Halliwell song, here you go. For those that were not, good luck getting it out of your head today!

June 18, 2009 at 11:22 4 comments

The adventures of Drunken Ginger Part One

112B8CBE-3CA2-11D9-B7BF-B32CBAFEE083 Now we have have our fair share of Drunken Fools, many are homeless or appear to be and they come in many varieties from Polish Drunkard, to Old Smelly Drunk, to Hairy Drunk. Some are just annoying, some are dangerous and some… just one…is ginger.

As most of my work does this one again starts with a radio call.

“Control we have had reports of some drinkers in the multi-storey car park” This in itself isn’t unusual, for some reason the piss stinking bowels of a multi-storey are considered to be an ideal refuge from the sun / the rain / the world / the wife (delete as applicable). So I take it with a pinch of salt. It’s damn annoying and makes Smalltown look like a complete shithole to visitors but one thing we now have a complete paucity of Police presence. Its not worth bothering HQ with a call about ASB unless it really is bad so we normally let it go.

I put my cameras on the door of the Car Park (for some reason Smalltown County Council doesn’t believe in putting cameras where they would be useful) and I wait for my problems to emerge. Which they quickly do.

We have an unholy trinity of Polish Drunk (here for the jobs stayed for the blue bottle booze), Down and out Drunk (doesn’t have much else to do with his days) and fuck me its Ginger Drunk. Now Ginger Drunk is not like your normal drunk, he is, to put it technically. “A complete arsehole”. If this man fell off the face of the earth the recession would be over. He tends to stay in the company of others with drink which explains his proximity to the much less offensive Polish and Down and Out. Any booze he can cadge is less to buy in the long run and surely it is better to get rat arsed on somebody else pennies then your own.

Ahhh you say, I thought he was a drinker, where does he get his pennies from? Well Ginger is also a beggar. The type we would call aggressive. In the real world this generally means walking up to people in the street and asking for money. In the case of Ginger is generally means walking up to people at the cash machine an demanding “Some fucking Dough”. Then calling them “Tight C**nts” when they tell him where to go.

How do we deal with such a man? He is the perfect candidate for an ASBO in Gingers case this stipulates that he must not:

  1. Urinate in Public anywhere other then a designated Public Convenience.
  2. Behave in a manner likely to cause alarm or distress to the general public.
  3. Beg or ask for money.
  4. Be in possession of Alcohol within the designated area
  5. Be found drunk within the designated area.

There you go, problem solved. Ginger is therefore the Paragon of sobriety as he pinballs down the alleyway, asking people for cash as he goes and barely managing to walk due to his advanced inebriation. Yes in one fell swoop we get a whole 60% breach of an ASBO. An arrestable offence and something hat I can act on BRILLIANT.

Onto the Airwave Police Radio for me, “CCTV to control, I’m currently monitoring a Ginger Drunk. He’s very very drunk, begging and therefore in breach of his ASBO, do you have anyone who can take a look at him” I never demand action from the Police, they know their job and its enough for me to tell them of the problem normally…not today. Today we have the ominous pause that always leads to… “CCTV we don’t have anyone at the moment, can you keep an eye on him?”

So now I use my magic, annoying drunk suppressor, that all CCTV cameras have built in (the government don’t want you to know about that!) Nope. Actually I just watch this man annoying all and sundry, scaring old ladies and generally being a drunken arse. He staggers to the doorway of a local supermarket and collapses in a drunken slumber. The supermarket obviously are not happy about this and use the tried and tested method of calling the Police who this time decide that the unverified word of a Shop Detective is better then the verified video evidence of a professional CCTV op and they now magically find some resources to send. All we need now is for Ginger to be determined in breach or D and D/I.

We wait.

The police arrive in a leisurely manner and the newly awaken Ginger spots them. He drags himself to his feet and gives the time honoured two finger salute. Shortly before he spectacularly twirls to the ground in a tangle of arms, legs and some poor bystanders bicycle.

So here we see the ABSO system in action, an unenforced farce that is freely flaunted by those that really don’t care. What has Ginger got from this? Well he now has a moderately soft place to sleep it off, a meal and somewhere to sober up. The police have annoying paperwork to complete. The only bright side is that at least Ginger isn’t one of those that piss and shit themselves…yes they really do exist.

So now Ginger is a reformed man. I won’t see him dirtying the streets of Smalltown again. Like fuck i wont.


June 7, 2009 at 19:05 Leave a comment

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