Posts tagged ‘CCTV’

Things Police do that annoy me.

We generally have an excellent relationship with the force here in Smalltown. They scratch our backs and we scratch back. Other times its like we are on different planets let alone teams. Here are some of the things that the Police Service do that drive me batshit insane.

  • Ask us to watch somebody rather then actually dealing with it in the way it deserves (for example Head Stamping and watching a man die)
  • Use the CCTV system as a diagnostic tool ignoring the experience and opinions of operators (no it all looks quiet at the moment (yes because he was stabbed before we put the images through dumbass))
  • Try to bypass procedures. If you want a copy of footage for investigative purposes then CONTACT THE MAN EMPLOYED TO DO THIS! If it IS really needed urgently (yeah right!) then i will do a copy but you at least need to be bothered to get the request done.
  • Tell me that x, y or z is around and ask me to watch them. I can’t do this, its called The European Convention on Human Rights.
  • Avoid arresting people because it is a) busy b) near the end of your shift or c) the cells are full. 20 minutes after you blissfully bugger off home they ALWAYS bottle somebody, ie Head Stamping
  • Sit in my control room and distract me when I am obviously busy. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE seeing you fellas (and girls…phwoar) but if I have 3 phones ringing and two radios bleating I’m probably not in the mood for company. I also will not be interested in “taking a look at that arrest you did last week”
  • Wash up your coffee mugs after aforesaid visit.
  • Don’t make me coffee on aforesaid visit.
  • Sign in as PC Mickey Mouse and PC Daisy Duck, this causes questions to be asked at management level.
  • Switching to an incident channel for something we have involvement in and not switching us over also.
  • Use the term “No complaint so no offenses revealed” I don’t give a fuck if his girlfriend wont moan about being punched in the stomach I FUCKING SAW IT.
  • Chase misspers that are really kids that have gone out…again.
  • Put your damn hands inside your tunic. You look sloppy and if he pulls a knife wont be able to stop it plunging into your carotid. However this will lower the number of double napoleon tunic pocket fools.
  • Ask me if we can see x, y or z location. We cant see it, we have never seen it and we wont be seeing it.
  • Don’t ask if I can see x, y , z location when there is a camera right up its arsehole.
  • Don’t bring me Percy Pigs!
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June 30, 2009 at 17:25 3 comments

Why I’m NOT watching you

You are boring.

Seriously there is this image of Big Brother peering at his screens, zooming in on every little indiscretion. If I watch you pick your nose or pull your pants from your butt crack, believe me it is accidental. I do make an effort to give people their privacy in what is essentially a public space (public privacy is an oxymoron if I ever heard one) but sometimes I do have to watch.

There are also legal ramifications. I really only have the right to watch somebody if I can justify it. This normally means that they are likely to or have committed a crime. This then leads into the fact that I have no legal training at all. How am I, what is essentially a layman, meant to determine what constitutes a crime?

There are ways to guarantee being watched. Swear at me and I will watch you till the cows come home. This is a shame for Welshman and Minty who are particularly dedicated to showing their displeasure with a variety of upheld fingers (for some reason the single finger is the weapon of choice). Such antisocial behaviour gives me all the cause I need. Another way to be watched is to have sex in your car. This is rather a grey area as technically a car is private property. However it can also be construed as being in public or lewd behaviour and therefore is an offense. I err on the side of caution and watch from a discrete distance. If it looks like they are going too far (people around etc) then they will have a visit requested from the Police to cool their ardour.

One of the most controversial ways to get yourself watched, even amongst my peers, is to be scantily clad. Often watching / keeping an eye on somebody dressed in this way is considered perving but there is one argument that I always give. “I am a balanced and law abiding citizen and I’D grab it, God knows what the pervs of Smalltown would do!”

Of course the best way to get watched is to commit a crime. Try and shake me off then mofo!

So why am I not watching you? Honestly? I have better ways to spend my time and better things to be doing. However I am doing my level best to protect you. This Big Brother, for one, is benevolent.

June 12, 2009 at 21:15 2 comments

27 things people do when they are drunk that they would never do sober.

One of the most interesting aspects of my job is watching the people of Smalltown lose all perspective on common sense and decorum. It would be rude not to observe them.

  1. Have wild unprotected sex in the street outside the nightclub in full view of cameras and passers by.
  2. Streak across a park.
  3. Urinate in public.
  4. Urinate in public while walking down the street and eating a pizza.
  5. Pick up your kebab from the floor and continue to eat it (see points 3 and 4 for why this is a bad idea!)
  6. Speak to tramps
  7. Kiss tramps (seriously)
  8. Kiss tramps dogs (I’m not kidding here)
  9. Hit people
  10. Hit people with bottles
  11. Provoke the big angry looking guy until he hits you.
  12. Be convinced that arguing with doorstaff and calling them names will suddenly change their decision about you being a twat who should not be let in.
  13. Be convinced that joining the back of the queue for the club after being bounced once will work as doorstaff have 2 second memories
  14. Be convinced that after being bounced twice doorstaff will not recognise you in your mates ill fitting t-shirt even when you swapped in their full view.
  15. Be convinced that after having drawn so much attention to yourself the club in the next street will let you in instead.
  16. Hail a taxi and then talk to friend while the driver tries to get you inside.
  17. Walk in the road (seriously, drunk people ALWAYS walk in the road)
  18. Deny doing anything even when 200 bystanders have seen you do it and it is recorded on CCTV.
  19. Walk home in a bad part of town wearing what amounts to a lace negligee and panties.
  20. Lay in the road.
  21. Argue with Police Officers.
  22. Argue with Paramedics.
  23. Argue with each other.
  24. Argue with someone, walk away, come back, argue more, walk away, come back until the CCTV op prays to the almighty for a freak lightening strike.
  25. Show your penis to the camera
  26. Masturbate (men generally) in the street.
  27. Moon.

Sadly the one thing that never seems to happen is large breasted women flashing the camera although my wife has been known to do so when I’m all alone! Come on that’s just not fair girls.


June 11, 2009 at 12:30 4 comments

My SuperSecret Blog

This is a bit of a departure for me. I have other blogs but in those I make no secret of my ID. However in this one, for the sake of privacy and job protection and in the words of Dragnet… The names have been changed to protect the innocent…well me!

So who am I? I am a 30 something CCTV operator working in the fictional Smalltown, you can call me by my first name… Large. If you do work out who I am please keep it to yourselves. The world of employment frowns at fun and frolics!

The blog is intended to be a candid look at the world of CCTV and the craziness that came sometimes occur on the streets of a small town, names dates and key details will be altered so if you want view the whole damn thing as a work of fiction!.

Expect to hear stories of sex, nudity, violence and downright stupidity over the coming months. Updates will be irregular so feel free to subscribe to my RSS feed.

If you like what you read then please stumble or digg me. I intend to do very little publicising of this blog so any you can do would be a big help.


June 5, 2009 at 14:14 Leave a comment

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