Posts filed under ‘smoking’

Lift me up.

In the States they are elevators in the UK Lifts (why they haven’t a different name going the other way I don’t know, maybe people on the 13th floor do not want to take the “drop” down?) In my job we call them the sexo-pissarama-rooms.

Yes for some reason people do odd things in lifts. The most obvious is the use as a cubicle for the disposal of all that lovely blue bottle booze. You see, the reason that lifts stink like piss is because people piss in them. They also make a great place to take a crap though gladly the sight of someone curling out a donkey choker is rather more rare.

Another thing about lifts is the aphrodisiac qualities, people enter this small steel room and suddenly are all over each other. We know spring has sprung even in the bunker when a vertical ascent turns into the Smalltown equivalent of Spanish fly. Maybe they would be less…indescrete if they knew about the camera?

Well…no. People that spot the camera are always convinced that nobody has seen them. They wave and giggle, flash parts that are better left unflashed and indulge in all sorts of silliness.

One girl was being silly BEFORE she spotted the camera. I mean how many of us get into the lift and decide its the perfect place for a dance? Spot the camera and use the cunning method of continuing to dance but with an air of utter embarrassment. Then look panicked when the door is slow to open.

Then we have the strange urge that people have to put things in their mouths with we astounded watched two gentlemen perform with just the aid of their own bodies.

Its not just lifts though, the stairwells are also fantastic places to have sex, take drugs, wee and poo. Even, in the case of Drunken Oldman, a great place to kip (along with disabled loos)

Finally for those that were expecting the Geri Halliwell song, here you go. For those that were not, good luck getting it out of your head today!

June 18, 2009 at 11:22 4 comments

How the smoking ban has affected me.

No Smoking Sign1 From the 1st July 2007 smoking in any enclosed public place became illegal, this include Pubs, Clubs, Pool Cars and even Phone Boxes! Now as a non-smoker this has made my non-existent nights out far more pleasant but has affected my work in a far more unexpected way.

Before S-Day a rainy night in Smalltown basically meant that we were in for a lovely quiet night. People wouldn’t bother to go out, they wouldn’t hang around after chucking out time finding small things to hit each other over. Now its totally different. rainy nights are hell. Now this may seem strange but I have discovered the reason (and what followed is nothing but speculation)

  • When it is raining people stay inside the clubs rather then go outside for a smoke.
  • They get all pent up and nicotine deprived.
  • They go outside and se “that wanker that looked at me burd all ‘rong” and decide that now, this moment, in the rain and cold, it is the time to unleash retribution.
  • They start a big damned fight and get arrested or worse.
  • I have to provide footage, a statement and have a chance of being called to court.

Now I originally was all for the smoking ban. I am one of those annoying non-smoker types that never have smoked and really can’t see the point (at least I’m not one of those teetotallers, they are wankers) and it initially seemed like a great idea. Now I have changed my mind and, much as the odd drunken punch up can liven my night, the chance of a nasty bottling or, heaven forbid, a stabbing really puts me on edge. Of course the absolute worst are nights are those with rain and a full moon. Seriously. More on full moons later.

Of course the absolute nadir of rainy nights is the complete lack of nudity or sex they seem to engender. Only hate reigns when it rains.

On the flip side, non-club nights in the rain are far more interesting then dry ones. When there is nobody around you realise just how (relatively) interesting a bit of rain can seem.


June 5, 2009 at 17:39 Leave a comment

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