27 things people do when they are drunk that they would never do sober.

One of the most interesting aspects of my job is watching the people of Smalltown lose all perspective on common sense and decorum. It would be rude not to observe them.

1. Have wild unprotected sex in the street outside the nightclub in full view of cameras and passers by.
2. Streak across a park.
3. Urinate in public.
4. Urinate in public while walking down the street and eating a pizza.
5. Pick up your kebab from the floor and continue to eat it (see points 3 and 4 for why this is a bad idea!)
6. Speak to tramps
7. Kiss tramps (seriously)
8. Kiss tramps dogs (I’m not kidding here)
9. Hit people
10. Hit people with bottles
11. Provoke the big angry looking guy until he hits you.
12. Be convinced that arguing with doorstaff and calling them names will suddenly change their decision about you being a twat who should not be let in.
13. Be convinced that joining the back of the queue for the club after being bounced once will work as doorstaff have 2 second memories
14. Be convinced that after being bounced twice doorstaff will not recognise you in your mates ill fitting t-shirt even when you swapped in their full view.
15. Be convinced that after having drawn so much attention to yourself the club in the next street will let you in instead.
16. Hail a taxi and then talk to friend while the driver tries to get you inside.
17. Walk in the road (seriously, drunk people ALWAYS walk in the road)
18. Deny doing anything even when 200 bystanders have seen you do it and it is recorded on CCTV.
19. Walk home in a bad part of town wearing what amounts to a lace negligee and panties.
20. Lay in the road.
21. Argue with Police Officers.
22. Argue with Paramedics.
23. Argue with each other.
24. Argue with someone, walk away, come back, argue more, walk away, come back until the CCTV op prays to the almighty for a freak lightening strike.
25. Show your penis to the camera
26. Masturbate (men generally) in the street.
27. Moon.

Sadly the one thing that never seems to happen is large breasted women flashing the camera although my wife has been known to do so when I’m all alone! Come on that’s just not fair girls.

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